Depression. Something that happens for various reasons, and yet affects all of us similarly. Taken to extremes, depression can quickly become something that eats away at the human mind, leading someone to commit suicide.

Each year, there are roughly 42,773 Americans killed by suicide, and with each successful attempt, there are 25 failed attempts. This is the 10th highest cause of death in the United States, claiming an average of 117 lives each day.

According to multiple teenagers, it was easier to hide their depression than to face it. Whether they were scared of how people would react or afraid of being labeled, they went out of the house with a fake smile and told people that they were fine.

“I can’t really describe it, but I just felt so lost. It felt like everyone was always talking about me and making fun of me; my self-esteem went down quickly,” one  student described.

It was May 2014 when this person, who chose to remain anonymous, really thought about killing herself.

“Something just broke. I wanted to get out of my school where I received death threats and people would taze me. I just wanted to leave the darkness that I felt.”

It was August of that year when she began cutting. She could hardly feel it and she didn’t realize how deep she’d been going until the blood started.

“I’m ashamed that I ever picked up the blade that day. It was my weakest point, but all I could think about was the joy I got out of punishing myself,” she explained. “Seven cuts was what started it. That quickly turned to 10, then 20, and before I knew it, I had over 50 cuts.” 

“It started when I was 14. I didn’t have a lot of friends and my self-esteem was low. A lot happened to me in my childhood and for some unknown reason, these horrific images came back to me. After being sexually abused, I was put into foster care and moved around. Then I had to cope with my grandmother’s murder,” she stated.

“It’s hard to imagine myself as that person and the mindset I was in. It’s almost like a demon from hell had taken over my thoughts and made even the most enjoyable moments in my life awful and insignificant.” she shared, trying her best to explain the mindset of someone that ill.

“Somehow I managed to hold it together. Until freshman year… it was an entirely different environment and I had been separated from all of my old friends. It was lonely, and I felt like nobody understood me. I’d wake up in the mornings, wishing that I hadn’t. I didn’t have the energy to face the day. Since I was too numb to cry, I turned to self-harm. My grades dropped from an A to a D, and I hated myself and my life.”

There is an average of 5,400 suicide attempts by students in grades 7-12 each day, and 4 out of 5 of these teens have also given clear warning signs.

“On Christmas Eve, 2014, I decided that it was time to end my pain. I swallowed an entire bottle of 800 mg Ibuprofen. I woke up in the hospital the next morning, connected to so many different wires. My attempt failed. Looking back, I’m so glad that it did. Seeing the distress that I caused my mom, and the amount of hurt that was piled on my whole family, I decided that I needed to get better. If I couldn’t do it for myself, I should at least do it for my family,” she finished.

“The thing is, I never felt selfish doing it, only scared. I was scared of myself and what I had become, and I was scared of what others would think if they knew how destructive I was to myself. At the time I couldn’t see what I was doing to the people that cared about me. I guess there is some truth behind the narcissistic mindset, but they just want to help themselves in the only way they can see that they can.”

“It was terrifying to know what some of my friends were going through,” voiced senior Aimee Poirier. “When you hear ‘get the scissors’ in a place where you can’t have them…. You just knew that someone had managed to hang themselves.”

“Being suicidal isn’t something to joke about. Many people claim to be, but they don’t really know the weight of that word. It’s a dark thing. Suicide and depression aren’t something that you can compare with others. It’s something that’s affecting you and only you. Your sadness can’t be compatible nor can it affect how much of a person you were if you choose to take your life. Being suicidal doesn’t make you any less of a person,” said the anonymous student.

“Everyday is a struggle, but the only thing we can do is keep trying. No matter what, we have to keep going. Depression is hard, and giving in is never the answer,” Milford graduate Gabby Greenshields advised.