The Chefs: Starbucks secret menu item review

Riley Coesens and Sam Spray, The Chefs

Even for the non-coffee consumer, Starbucks offers a divine selection of delectable treats and eye-catching options for all ages. Some prefer a basic cup of coffee while others are intrigued by brightly-colored, frivolous frappuccinos. We, on the other hand, wanted something adventurous that was more than picture-worthy. For this, we decided to scour the Internet in a restless search to find the best “secret menu” drinks, created by Tumblr and Twitter users alike. After hours of research, blood, sweat, and tears, the loss of one limb, and hip surgery, we uncovered four drinks deserving of our admiration. Welcome back to “The Chefs”: although this time we may have not crafted our own concoctions, we are here to share our experiences and recipes that may turn your friendly neighborhood barista into a psychologically-unstable employee. 

Our first beverage was called the “Purple Drink,” and included the following: Teavanna passion tea, soy milk, vanilla syrup, and blackberries. “Have you ever walked into a frozen yogurt shop on a crisp Sunday afternoon in Hilton Head, South Carolina? Well, I have, and let me tell you, this did not deserve to be in one of their cases,” commented Sam. “That frozen yogurt is creamy, delicious, spectacular, whereas this drink was watery and subpar. It reminded me of sorbet, which is the disgrace of the ice cream community.” For Riley, the experience differed greatly; though the passion tea refresher is her go-to beverage in the summer, this enhanced version of the drink took a turn for the worst. “It creates a weird film on the roof of your mouth, even though it tastes decent. I did not particularly enjoy having a frothy beverage topped with a fruit.” Sam ranked it as pi over 6 (convert that for yourself if you’re interested), and Riley gave it 5.93. 

Our next endeavour came in the form of a caramel snickerdoodle macchiato, mixed with cinnamon and vanilla syrup. We were greatly disappointed and slightly infuriated by the insulting nature of this drink.“The only caramel macchiato I’ll drink is if you drug me and pour it down my throat,” Sam stated. She couldn’t even compare it to anything, because in her own words, “It would be an insult to anything else that has ever existed, including season two of Riverdale.”  This was her only comment regarding such, while Riley added, “It was comparable to getting coffee at McDonald’s; the aftertaste is unpleasantly bitter for a drink with a name that suggests nothing but holiday cheer and pleasantness.” Together, we scored this as 1.57/10. 

The third drink received better reviews, as it was called “Chocolate Dalmation” and cleansed our palettes of the monstrosities before it. The base drink for this modified beverage, the white chocolate mocha, is a winter favorite of Riley’s; regarding the modified version with extra chocolate and java chips, she said, “The chocolate chips and added whipped cream only solidify my love for Starbucks and this specific concoction. The perfectly balanced sweet and creaminess makes the entire experience pleasant.” Sam felt similarly pleased: “As a white chocolate fanatic, I have to say, this was maybe the best hot drink I have ever had. It was delicious, creamy, and everything I have ever wanted.” Out of all of the drinks tested, we mutually believe this was superior; we ranked it as 9.995/10, as it deserves the utmost respect and admiration for the quality job it does delivering caffeine to sleep-deprived individuals.

Our final packed a punch like no other–the reckless, potentially dangerous abilities this beverage provides shocked us and made Sam’s spinal cord quake ever so slightly. On Riley’s end, it was eye-opening and refreshing to find a new highly-caffeinated treat for maximized productivity. Named “Liquid Cocaine” for its tempting properties and energizing ingredients, including four shots of espresso, white chocolate syrup, and milk. “As someone who has experienced drinking way too much coffee way too often, I can say that this will be a new favorite when I have a long night of studying ahead of me. I highly recommend this to anyone who has a high caffeine tolerance. It’s very strong, though, so beware,” Riley said. “Just one sip of this monster of a liquid and my eyes felt like the Turbo the Snail from the movie Turbo,” Sam explained. “One minute, I was sitting (like a snail), chillin like a villain (as some say), and all of a sudden, I was racing through the streets of Los Angeles: my eyebrows, raised. My eyes, popped. My nostrils, flared. My lips, pursed. I was Turbo.” Sam gave it a -9/10 for ironic enjoyment, while Riley scored it as 9.14/10 for actual enjoyment. 

In conclusion, the Starbucks “secret menu” offers a wide range of experimental drinks for anyone to enjoy. Though we are The Chefs and are open to expressing our opinions freely regarding all foods, we urge readers to explore the options for themselves and find a concoction to cherish. As phrased by Gordon Ramsay himself, “I’m not the one to sort of sit and cry over spilt milk. I’m too busy looking for the next cow.” Remember, whether it be a cow or a drink, always look for new adventures.