Welcome back. The Chefs are here, so your life just got better. As Phineas and Ferb said, there’s 104 days of summer vacation, and we’ve got just the way for you to spend it: tasting different types of ice cream. Welcome to the final addition of the Chefs, a review of the Dairy Queen summer blizzard menu. On our journey to pack on thy pounds so we can survive when we’re poor and starving in college, we decided to spend our Friday night inhaling six questionable blizzards and twelve beers (don’t worry, they were split between us). The summer blizzard menu includes the following ice cream treats (listed in order from Piggy to Simon): Cotton Candy, Raspberry Fudge Bliss, Brownie Batter, Frosted Animal Cookie, Drumstick with Peanuts, and Girl Scout Thin Mints. As icons, you should trust our opinions, because we are in fact the Dairy Queens.

Cotton Candy: The Despicable Me of ice cream flavors, the Comerica Park of baseball stadiums: this flavor was nothing but a disappointment. It had nothing to offer that pure sugar out of a year old bag could not. This ice cream flavor was essentially left over Coldstone sugar crystals mixed with freezer-burnt Guernsey vanilla ice cream. Chef Riley described it as, “A pop-rock, fake strawberry-like flavor without the fizz, which furthered its status as a disappointment. It was overly sweet and generally just ‘eh.’” Chef Sam added that, “This was the type of ice cream you would get at the Saint Mary’s Fair–and that’s an insult. This is one of the only ice creams that I have tried that I wouldn’t eat if it was offered to me.” Together, we rated this as 2.5/10 for its poor representation of the usually enjoyable experience that eating ice cream provides.

Raspberry Fudge Bliss: This blizzard was like Adam Sandler. Chef Sam described it as, “synthetic tasting, in the same way that a Laffy Taffy tastes artificial. However, I enjoyed watching Chef Riley be overcome with disgust as she tasted it–that’s why I gave it -8/10 for ironic enjoyment.” Complementary to Chef Sam’s commentary, Chef Riley had the following to say: “Just…no. I was appalled by the presence of real fruit and the discovery of seeds, which did not make for a good time.” Chef Riley rated this as a 0/10 and hopes to never find fruit in her ice cream again.

Brownie Batter: Some say that the peak of human existence has yet to occur. Others contend that the epitome of human intellect and experience rests within the great minds of the world, like Einstein, Galileo, and DaVinci. However, I must pose the theory that the bounds of human joy have been reached with this blizzard. To say it outdid the experience of reading Shakespeare or observing the art of Caravaggio would be the understatement of the millennium. This was quite simply the best blizzard Chef Sam has ever had, and she doesn’t even like chocolate ice cream. She highly recommends that all of you existentialists try this blizzard in order to find the meaning of life. If the Raspberry Fudge Bliss blizzard was Adam Sandler, this blizzard is Morgan Freeman. Chef Sam gives it a 10/10 because of the combination of Cosmic Brownie-like pieces, which mixed with already delicious ice cream, created a nostalgic and independently satisfactory experience. Chef Riley said it was pretty good.

Frosted Animal Cookie: “Animal crackers in my soup, monkeys and rabbits loop da’ loop.” These immortal words were spoken by one Shirley Temple many years ago, and while we do approve of animal crackers in soup, we have to suggest that they, and even animal cookies, be left out of ice cream. Although in theory it sounds like a good combination, the execution of the blizzard was lackluster. Chef Riley described this treat as “Literally just a vanilla ice cream cup with sprinkles, blended with not cracker pieces, but rather crumbs.” Chef Sam added that “The treat lacked a flavor profile due to its combination of basic elements. Additionally, the lack of true crackers discussed by Chef Riley took away from the treat.” Chef Sam described it as a true neutral, and therefore would give it a dash out of 10 due to the absence of identifiable characteristics. Accordingly, the official Chef rating is 4.5/10.

Drumstick with Peanuts: The circus claims that peanuts are exclusively for elephants. However, we would disagree, claiming instead that they belong in ice cream. This blizzard featured peanuts, waffle cone and chocolate pieces, all of which came together in a symphony of flavors, the likes of which Beethoven himself could not exceed. While Chef Sam thought it was very good, it was Chef Riley who had strong opinions on this one: “You know how as a kid, when you’d be at a pool party and someone brought out a box of Drumsticks, no one wanted the ones with peanuts on the exterior? Everyone reached for the plain chocolate ones first. Well, if you happened to end up with the undesirable peanut-covered treat, so long as you weren’t allergic to peanuts, you’d realize pretty quickly that it was actually delectable. That’s how I felt about this, and I will be getting it again soon.” Chef Sam agreed that it was a sneak attack of a treat and the Chefs gave it a combined score of 7.15/10.

Girl Scout Cookie Thin Mints: The Girl Scouts are a front for a corporate exploitation ring that makes use of child labor. That said, their cookies are absolutely delicious, and so was this blizzard. It’s a new twist on the traditional mint chocolate chip, which is a favorite for many Americans. Chef Sam said that if this blizzard were on the X-Factor, it would not only be in One Direction, but it would be Harry Styles. That is to say it has the wow factor that some of the previous blizzards were missing. For Chef Riley, this blizzard wasn’t as stunning, due to the unfortunate fact that she dislikes mint flavors. The Chefs averaged their ratings for this ice cream delicacy at an 8/10.

Over the course of an evening, many experiences were had, some good, some bad, and some akin to Jack and Annie travelling in their childhood magic treehouse. Overall, we would say that the Dairy Queen summer blizzard menu puts out a good variety of treats, many of which were enjoyable, or at least tolerable. We would encourage all of our readers to get out and try these treats during the course of their summer, because we believe it will enrich their edible adventures.