The Chefs vs Pumpkin-Themed Treats


Sam Spray

Depicted above is Chef Sam’s carved pumpkin.

Riley Coesens and Sam Spray, The Chefs

In honor of the spooky season, your neighborhood chefs have returned to give you their take on pumpkin-themed snacks. Now you may be thinking, “oh, you’re going to bake stuff with pumpkins;” no, we are too moronic for that logical action. Although we do have a few dishes on our list that include pumpkin, we will primarily be tasting snacks shaped like pumpkins. So, strap on your seatbelts kids, because you’re about to experience the spookiest thing of all: the return of the Chefs.

The first treat we will be reviewing today is the holiday classic pumpkin pie. We will not be explaining what a pumpkin pie is to you. According to Chef Sam, “the taste is immaculate–it is the perfect combination of what I imagine a leaf to taste like with what I know pumpkin tastes like. That said, the texture of the filling is akin to that of a stale eclair, which is less than favorable. In my experience, purchased pumpkin pies from Kroger falter in their crust–instead of being buttery and flaky, they have the same texture as cranberry sauce (much too moist). Nonetheless, this pie is one of my favorite fall treats and ranks third on my pie list, after cherry and apple, but before pecan.”  Chef Riley added “the texture of the pie is grimy, and the scent evokes the same feeling one experiences when entering a Yankee Candle store over a month before season actually begins, when stores begin placing Halloween decor on shelves far too early for any sane person to appreciate. The actual flavor of pumpkin pie, however, is more pleasant, and makes me feel truly immersed in the essence of Christian Girl Autumn.” Overall, we have come to the consensus that pumpkin pie ranks at a 7/10. 

Next is another bakery item: pumpkin bread. This bread is similar to banana bread in recipe, with the only major difference being the substitution of pumpkin for banana, which of course drastically affects the taste of the bread. Chef Riley is not a huge fan of the bread, saying “each bite reminds me of my horrific memories with the cinnamon challenge back in 2012–though pumpkin bread is more mild, it is not something I want to relive while consuming a food I normally enjoy: bread.” Chef Sam has a more positive take on the bread, citing its “agreeable texture” and “superior usage of pumpkin puree” as factors that add to the delightful flavor it presents. Because the Chefs have such drastically different opinions of the bread, we thought it best to separate the Chef’s scores. Chef Riley gave it a 4/10, whereas Chef Sam gave it a 9.999/10.

Now begins the chaotic portion of the article that includes the pumpkin-shaped items. First on our list are pumpkin-shaped candy corn. These candy-corns taste just like the original, but are larger and shaped like pumpkins. Chef Sam “hates these candies. They are not nearly as good as the original due to the large size of the candy. It is possible to have too much of a good thing.” Chef Riley agreed in saying, “the pumpkins have a strange dye-like flavoring to them that makes them undesirable to any person with more than a few coherent thoughts floating around in his/her mind.” Together, the Chefs rate this monstrous item to be a 0.73/10.

 A personal favorite of Chef Riley’s, the Pillsbury Ready To Bake sugar cookies with the pumpkin and ghost designs are a Halloween classic for readers of all ages to enjoy. Simply place the dough pieces onto a cookie sheet, shove them into the oven for ten minutes, and bam!–a great snack is born. Though it is not advised by the FDA, we recommend eating at least one bite of cookie dough before baking the rest, with these cookies, as well as any others, for the best experience. “These cookies are a delicacy that is accessible and enjoyable by the masses–as someone who has eaten these as a small young adult and an even smaller child, I enjoy the consistent level of joy they have brought over the years.” Chef Sam enjoys the cookies, but thinks they are overrated, given that they “just taste like sugar.”She had fond memories of these cookies, but was sorely disappointed when she tried them again this year. Again the Chefs have decided to score this treat separately, as Riley gives it a 9.5/10, whereas Sam gives it a measly 5.75/10.

Last but not least is raw pumpkin harvested straight from the guts of an innocent pumpkin murdered on 74th street. An image of the deceased lad has been attached so as to respect his memory. Moving on, he did not taste good. We do not recommend eating pumpkin guts. They taste like seaweed. -9/10 for ironic enjoyment.

In conclusion, pumpkin flavored treats are a Halloween staple, but do not always flatter the taste buds. If you are apprehensive of trying a pumpkin snack, we recommend giving up on pumpkins and reverting to the Scooby Snack. It really gives ya’ the old razzle dazzle, and that’s what counts in this haunted house.