It’s about time someone has said this. Like all healthy-minded individuals I often find myself wishing death upon people due to their stupidity.           

I’m guessing you’re worried. You’re probably thinking, “Hey Gavin, what makes me such an idiot?” Other than the fact you have a terrible personality, there are specific actions you can choose to avoid if you want to get back on my good side, so listen up!

# 9 Couples that hug each other goodbye between classes- High school relationships aren’t a good idea in the first place, but I’m not here to spoil your fake teen love. I find it bothersome that you kids are so worried that something tragic will happen in the next hour that will prevent you from seeing your lover’s face ever again. Seriously, get a hold of yourself. It won’t kill you to just say goodbye, you’ll see them in 55 minutes anyways.

# 8 Forgetting to move up in the line at lunch- We’ve all been there. You’re starving waiting in line to get some moderately tasty morsels from the cafeteria when all of a sudden this student, typically female, is chatting away with a friend facing the wrong way in line. The line creeps forward, but Chatty Kathy is over here just talking away. Now there is a huge gap between her and the person in front of her in line and you’re too nice to tell her she’s an idiot. Finally, she notices, but it’s too late for you and you’re already angry. You can talk at your table, don’t let it impede on my attempt to eat food.

            #7 People that walk on the wrong side of the hallway- Alright freshmen, I know you’re probably new to this stuff, but we are almost halfway through the year. We always walk on the right side of the halls! If another kid thinks it’s a grand idea to walk in my walking path he’ll wish he hadn’t gotten out of bed in the morning, because it’s no reason for me to have to change my direction just because you want to walk on the other side of the stairs like the little imbecile you are. 

#6 “Making out” in the hallway- Don’t act like we don’t see you leaning against the wall, legs agape, kissing your girlfriend’s face. Don’t you have a class to be going to? There are 16 other hours in the day you can spend doing that. Why does it have to be in my line of sight? There are much more attractive people in movies I’d rather watch kiss, not you homely folk. Do you realize that you are being socially unacceptable? I guess not. Next time expect me to smack you upside your head!

            #5 When teachers bend over to help someone and put their butt right in your face- Did you actually think I was going to let you teachers off scot free? Think again. So, I’m pretty sure this has been happening since the dawn of time. It’s like teachers want kids to feel painfully uncomfortable in class. Ma’am, with all due respect, I am trying to learn things and I can’t do so if your booty is all up in my thinking space.

#4 Taking the nacho with all the meat and cheese on “Nacho Day”- Alright, I like to think of myself as a rational individual, so if someone takes a nacho from me I typically don’t mind in the slightest, but use that nacho as a shovel to steal all the deliciousness off of my plate and we have ourselves a problem. It’s criminal.             

#3 Rolling backpacks- Need I say more? You’re walking down the hallway, and get cut off by one of these. New rule: you are not allowed to have a rolling backpack unless you have a legitimate reason to have one. If you have a rolling backpack, I’m sorry if this offends you too much but it honestly is for you own good. Nobody wants to hang out with the rolling backpack kid because that kid is annoying.

#2 People who don’t say thank you when you hold a door open- This entry is a little different from the others, and in a way it is simultaneously the least offensive and most egregious one on the list. Look, you’re supposed to be kind and courteous. That’s just the deal. You don’t deserve a medal. I get it, but at the same time, when I go out of my way to hold a door open for someone, and they don’t say thank you, I go a little nuts. Hey, you don’t even really have to say thank you. Just like nod and grumble something. That’s fine. But when you take a door that’s being held open for you and walk through without even noticing who’s done you a tiny favor, you magically transform someone’s act of kindness into an act of servitude. Not only are you not saying thank you, you’re saying “Hmm, very well, slave child you may allow me to enter.” Without saying a word you’re discouraging future acts of kindness. That is why, without a hint of hyperbole, humanity demands that I concoct a bizarre death for you.

#1 The mosh pit of people that hang out in front of the stairwell by the 500/400 hall stairwell- First, allow me to congratulate you. You’ve managed to annoy more people than any of the other behaviors on the entire list! What do you have to say for yourselves? To be frank I really do think you all need to disperse and go to class so I don’t have to “go hard in the paint”, just to escape the jumbled mess of people you cause every single day that Milford has been in existence and it is the epitome of obnoxious behaviors. I know your intentions are good, but all the evils in the world started with good intentions. So straighten up and move along. I have to get to class. If I have to run you over to get there it’s not my problem, so take heed in my warning.